How To Pass A Drug Test (Are You Listening, Joe Biden?)

President Trump seems convinced that his opponent Joe Biden plans on using performance enhancing drugs during this week's presidential debate. Here to give the former VP some advice on acing his drug test is Late Show writer Django Gold. #Colbert #DrugTest #DjangoGold
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.



  • Colbert likes #pizza

    cordawg07cordawg073 gün önce
  • "Pineapple is a fruit, it doesn't belong on pizza" Meanwhile tomato is a fruit too, more precisely a berry. Everything that tastes good for anyone belongs on pizza, whether it's a pineapple, tomato, noodles, or chocolate. I hate those pizza NZs that tell other people what they should or shouldn't eat.

    KasiaKasia4 gün önce
  • The KING and QUEEN was standing on the balcony of the castle gazing out at the thousands of a angry peasants the poor 97%, that were going to storm the castle and take it over with force using CLUBS and PITCHFORKS, because they were tired of the KING and QUEEN taking their rights away and not treating them with RESPECT. So the KING says to the QUEEN if we can CONVINCE all the PEASANTS out there with the PITCHFORKS that the ones with the CLUBS HATE them. I am sure they will start FIGHTING EACH OTHER and when they are done fighting whatever is left my army can surely DESTROY with ease . The RICH ELITE 3% love FUNDING EQUAL RIGHT MOVEMENTS to DIVIDE and CONQUER the POOR UNAWARE 97% vote counts to shift them to the ELITE side of 3%. WE THE POOR MUST WAKE UP and use our COMMON SENSE, meaning If the RICH ELITE PUPPET MASTERS of 3% and their PUPPETS In HOLLYWOOD, MUSIC INDUSTRY, SPORTS ATHLETES and tv networks owned or sponcered by them DON'T WANT A CERTAIN PRESIDENT, then we the POOR OF 97% MOST DEFINITELY DO WANT THAT PRESIDENT. THE ONLY WAY AROUND 97% of AWAKENED UNITED POOR VOTERS is they must DUE AWAY with the ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE. SO ASK yourself WHY THE LEFT IS WANTING TO DO THAT , and who is trying to STOP IT, THE RIGHT. The ONES trying to STOP IT is working for we the POOR OF 97%. PLEASE WAKE UP PEOPLE 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸. "UNITED WE THE POOR OF 97% STAND , DIVIDED WE THE POOR FALL". IF the LEFT WIN they will TAKE AWAY The ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE, and that means we will never be able to UNITE OUR 97% VOTES ever again and the ELITE AND THEIR PUPPETS WILL RULE THE POOR FOREVER, and make us pay all the taxes while the ELITE PAY 0%.

    baldeagle7777777baldeagle77777779 gün önce
  • 3:08 You mean; "Classic republican strategy. Being hypocritical about your stand points."

    Josny13Josny1321 gün önce
  • They still have that awkward piano player??? Christ

    RyanRMcMahonRyanRMcMahon24 gün önce
  • I live five minutes from the Yuluupa Ave safeway. Used to steal there as a child. If dude has family up here still I hope they are ok, lots of evacuations from the most recent Glass Fire.

    Tryo707Tryo70724 gün önce
  • Hawaiian pizza for life!

    Christian RivasChristian Rivas26 gün önce
  • Always love to watch Stephen and Jon chat, its obvious they like each other offscreen as well.

    Garry FimisterGarry Fimister27 gün önce
  • That pineapple debate with him doing the voices was priceless.

    Kanez WilliamsKanez Williams27 gün önce

    James SeanJames Sean27 gün önce
  • Well ... AFAIK, SWIM said all you gotta do is pee in a cup!

    Max HeadromMax Headrom27 gün önce
  • Jon Batiste! What a love of a human.

    Erickson LeadershipErickson Leadership27 gün önce
  • 2:26 - VIDEO START

    ZZZZ28 gün önce
  • Hah, that cookie thing would be a cool option that steve hands over a pack to the right side of his screen AND "his arm" appearing with the cookies in John's screen/room ... ;-)

    Psi QPsi Q28 gün önce
  • thumbs up to your writer

    TakiumiTakiumi28 gün önce
  • What a pity Mr. Trump's father forced him to imitate a businessman. Left to follow his natural vocation, his combination of stream-of-consciousness, poor grammar, mis-spelling and vituperation could have created a new work of American genius, dictated of course. I expect it would have been James Joyce meets Dylan Thomas meets Jack Kerouac meets Hunter Thompson meets Louella Parsons and a big dash of Stephen King. What a classic it might have been.

    Diane O'DonovanDiane O'Donovan28 gün önce
  • Pineapple on pizza is a wickedness.

    Diane O'DonovanDiane O'Donovan28 gün önce
  • A cucumber is not only a fruit, it is a berry... Yet I don't see it in a 'fruit salad' either.

    pop5678eyepop5678eye28 gün önce
  • If anything I would be very suspicious of any American over 70 who tests negative for drug use.

    pop5678eyepop5678eye28 gün önce
  • Dear Pizza you can be whatever you want to be, who are we to try and put you in a box 💋

    Julia WardJulia Ward28 gün önce
  • Lol, tomato IS a fruit! Pineapple still doesn't belong on a tomato based pizza.

    Bita MeahBita Meah28 gün önce
  • Mr John Baptiste, THANK YOU!!!!!! I love seeing you! You are fighting for us! You are an amazing human being!!! Much love, respect, justice, endurance, safety, gratitude and peace!!! One*

    EllieEllie28 gün önce
  • No doubt Joe Biden is being pumped full of testosterone and extended release amphetamines

    Mike ThompsonMike Thompson28 gün önce
  • if Jon Batiste is in CT he should stop by Stew Leonards - mallomars and the best chocolate chip cookies!!

    Melissa BurnhamMelissa Burnham28 gün önce
  • I thought I invented the piss condom tactic...keeping it in the gooch prior to the exam keeps the sample at body temp as well, foolproof. Do with it what you will.

    Mikey RamosMikey Ramos28 gün önce
  • Get out your mass spectrometer & nail clippers. No telling what all kinds of script meds those 2 septigenerians have coursing through their veins.

    Michael BrodieMichael Brodie28 gün önce
  • Loving John!

    phipsanphipsan29 gün önce
  • what is with Trump's excessive and always out-of-place use of the word "strongly"?

    Teagan KelkTeagan Kelk29 gün önce
  • John Batiste's music sounds just like Mr Rogers!! 😆

    Aubberfly JMAubberfly JM29 gün önce
  • Jon Batiste is always such a delight. So effortlessly talented and charming!

    ffeffffeff29 gün önce
  • Viva la Pineapple! Don't stand there advocating your anchovies, olives and banana on pizza, while attacking my beloved pineapple. I will fight anyone to the death who says a negative word against a pepperoni and pineapple combination!..... TO THE DEATH I SAY!!

    Rose WallaceRose Wallace29 gün önce
  • Mallomars are almost exactly the same as "British tea cakes". Which are available year round from World market... mic drop!

    Rose WallaceRose Wallace29 gün önce
  • That mic check was more productive and civil than the actual debate.

    katherikellykatherikelly29 gün önce
  • Jon Batiste is a great soul! Classic!

    Kim PossibleKim Possible29 gün önce
  • Doesn’t doesn’t dribble, he wears depends to catch the Urine and the POOP

    Laurie HuntleyLaurie Huntley29 gün önce
  • Wow you really are a j*** o** and you don't even know anything about this virus! It was made to kill off the sick and the elderly to bring in socialized healthcare and was started by the democrats who worked with the Chinese under Barack Obama Joe Biden also refused a drug test and refused to be checked for an ear piece before the debate. It is very clear that biden did not answer those questions himself because he never gives a straight answer and he has some sort of dementia issue which has been clear on the campaign trail I understand that you have writers writing your jokes but why don't you stay a comedian and write your own jokes instead of becoming the mouthpiece of a bunch of liberals were begging for another chance at getting a bunch of ship for Free with out having to work with it or for it Your whole career is going in the toilet haha you know where people take drug tests and actually Go number 1 and 2

    swat4hireswat4hire29 gün önce

    3B Bright & Brave Brain3B Bright & Brave Brain29 gün önce
  • BIDEN WORE A WIRE!!!!!!!

    b00gie'manb00gie'man29 gün önce
  • passitkit . com can save biden ,..... but we wont

    Hair Razor DetoxHair Razor Detox29 gün önce
  • I'm like Jean, what the heck are mallomars? I like seasonal stuff, sweet tater pie, pecan pie, oatmeal raisin cookies and such that comes from the farm, but not a chemical factory. I bet those mallomar things will make you sick!

    William CopelandWilliam Copeland29 gün önce
  • 5:20 - 5:50

    Amy LAmy L29 gün önce
  • Mallowmars bitches! I’m from the Midwest originally and moved to east coast and damn I love them!

    tonyfan3tonyfan329 gün önce
  • Another great show!

    James EganJames Egan29 gün önce
  • heard pecorino Romano so: + egg + guanciale + spaghetti = Italian carbonara 😁

    Joes DiJoes Di29 gün önce
  • Pineapple on pizza is awesome and if you don't like it, well that's cool, you do you.

    Rob B rc n stuffRob B rc n stuffAylar önce
  • so much cringy product placement this episode

    arnoarnoAylar önce
  • Lol just as anyone with half a brain expected, Trump confirmed yet again how much he projects. Andrew lundz said one major word used to describe Trump in his focus groups was 'crackhead.'

    Tyler LeggettTyler LeggettAylar önce
  • We could use less nationalists more intelligence in this world

    Richard SRichard SAylar önce
  • only the worst kind of war criminal would dare taint the glory of pizza with a pineapple

    Dan McNamaraDan McNamaraAylar önce
  • Man. Jon Batiste is one _cool cat._ 😎

    Fauler PerfektionistFauler PerfektionistAylar önce
  • why not a drug test ! it is a powerfull job !!

    Paul StorteboomPaul StorteboomAylar önce
  • Stephen, if you love Mallomars this much you need to come back down under or west down under aka New Zealand. We call these "Arnotts Royals" and they're available year round, in vanilla or berry marshmallow.

    Of Science And SwordsOf Science And SwordsAylar önce
  • Mallomars are the American version of Ferrero Rocher. We only get them in Winter...

    img1986img1986Aylar önce
  • Tomato is a fruit! Woo! Precident has been set!

    Nathaniel KreegerNathaniel KreegerAylar önce
  • Stop the food demonization please.

    E K DaufinE K DaufinAylar önce
  • So is no one gonna talk about how Stephen has an Epic Captain America Shield on his wall? I knew He was my hero this whole time.

    KenesisKenesisAylar önce
  • One test Donnie believes in, LOL.

    DIYselfersDIYselfersAylar önce
  • How about an I.Q. test, not a dementia test- person, woman, man, camera, TV.

    DIYselfersDIYselfersAylar önce
  • "Mallowmars are manufactured in Toronto, but not sold anywhere in , because Nabisco perversely enjoys mindf**king the public"

    Andrew HomzyAndrew HomzyAylar önce
  • @2:28 Spoiler alert: It was a dumpster fire

    HHAylar önce
  • Well, Trump did prove one thing. No matter if you lose the popular vote, if you win the electoral college, urine.

    Dr. Mantis TobogganDr. Mantis TobogganAylar önce
  • Top hat and cuflinks. Perfect

    CharlieBrew TooCharlieBrew TooAylar önce
  • the yalupa ave safeway? does this guy live in santa rosa ca?

    ea95401ea95401Aylar önce
  • Pineapple is a sweet fruit like banana. Don’t put sweet fruits on pizza.

    John ZypJohn ZypAylar önce
  • Eat the Mallomars frozen. They’re much better that way.

    evan thornevan thornAylar önce
  • Tomato is a fruit

    Christopher GrantChristopher GrantAylar önce
  • Good news, Stephen! Mallomars are not seasonal. You can get them year round.

    Aaron HorowitzAaron HorowitzAylar önce
  • Employment juice !

    Thomas PaineThomas PaineAylar önce
  • Mango, is not funny AT ALL!

    Gwen ParkerGwen ParkerAylar önce

    carzyscenctistcarzyscenctistAylar önce
How To Pass A Drug Test (Are You Listening, Joe Biden?)